


Surviving

by ESawyer



Series: In Darkness, Light [3]
Category: The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Happy ending!!!, M/M, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, THE BOOK THING
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2020-12-14 08:36:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21012878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ESawyer/pseuds/ESawyer
Summary: The moon understands what it means to be human. Uncertain. Alone. Cratered by imperfections.Kevin Price learns to survive.





	Surviving

It’s probably embarrassing, the fact that Kevin has gotten to the age of 19 without being in a relationship. The only person he has ever kissed is Connor, and up until this point, he’s never even held hands with anyone other than his mother. 

Still, in the few months that they have been together, Kevin has discovered that he likes being in a relationship. He likes holding hands and kissing. He likes the way that Connor brushes his hands through his hair and how he always takes care to smooth it back down when they’re finished. He likes that Connor is always gentle, pressing careful kisses to his neck and how he pulls away to ask _this is OK, isn’t it, sweetheart?_ And Kevin had surprised himself when he realised that he likes Connor calling him pet names even though he’s still too embarrassed to call Connor anything other than, well, _Connor_.

He’s discovered that pretty is not a word reserved just for girls and the moon, because Connor McKinley is _very_ pretty and Kevin likes to look at him. He likes to watch the way he always stands with his hands on his hips, only moving them to run a hand through his hair and bite on his lip when he’s trying to solve a problem. He likes the way his whole face lights up when he laughs and how his eyes are so blue that they reflect whatever they look at. Kevin has seen the sunlight and the moon and the stars in those eyes, and he never wants to stop looking.

“Are you listening, Elder Price?”

Kevin starts at the sound of Connor’s voice, almost toppling off the arm of the sofa that he is perched on in the living room. The other Elders turn around to look at him, their facial expressions ranging from looks of worry to amusement. It takes him a minute to remember that they’re having their weekly meeting.

“Sorry, Con - Elder McKinley,” Kevin mutters, heat rising in his face, “I was distracted,”

Connor stares at him for a moment and then nods before turning back to the assembled Elders, “Well, as I was saying, I think that it is time for us to spread the word a little further,”

“How far is far?” Elder Neeley asks, sticking his hand in the air, “because I’m opposed to walking,”

“I think we should start with the huts on the edge of the village. Mafala says that they’ve never really interacted with the wider community and I think we should bring that to an end,” Connor says, “We should start small though: inviting them to our little baseball games, any small get togethers that Nabulungi organises. We need to really drive home the message that the Church of Arnold really is more than just a religion. It’s a family,”

It’s in moments like these that Kevin can’t understand how the district had no baptisms when he and Arnold had arrived with Connor leading them so well. If Kevin had been district leader, his plan would have just been to preach at people until they agreed to join the Church if not to just shut him up.

“I’ve put together a new proselytising schedule,” Connor continues, gesturing to the chalkboard behind him, “Once we get these huts out of the way, I want to spread the word even further. There’s really no point in just confining Arnoldism to Kitguli, is there?”

Kevin looks over at the chalkboard and his heart sinks; his name isn’t written next to Arnold’s. Sometimes he feels as though he is a ghost - as though he isn’t really there or apart of the mission.

“Any questions?” Connor asks.

“You still haven’t told me how far far is,” Neeley points out, “because I get really bad shin splints if I walk too far and-”

Kevin rolls his eyes, wondering if they’ll ever have a day when Neeley doesn’t complain about his damn shin splints.

“If I give you money to buy a bike at the market, will you shut up about your shin splints?” Connor asks with a sigh.

“Yes!” Neeley exclaims, “Gosh, that’s all I’ve wanted for the last two months and none of you have listened to me!”

“We’ve all been listening to you, we just haven’t been _listening_ to you,”

“Shut up, Schrader,”

“Meeting over!” Connor says loudly, “Elder Price, can I have a word?”

Kevin nods and stays where he is whilst the other Elders leave the room. Neeley and Schrader are still bickering when the door shuts behind them, and Kevin makes a mental note to try and avoid the two of them later.

“Are you alright, sweetie?” Connor asks, “You weren’t very present in that meeting,”

Kevin’s eyes flicker over to the chalkboard, “I’m not on the schedule,”

Connor frowns at him, a crease forming between his eyebrows but he doesn’t say anything.

“Why?” Kevin asks, inwardly cursing when he feels tears begin to boil behind his eyes, “I’m as much apart of this mission as the rest of you!”

“Of course you are,” Connor says, rushing forward and picking up his hands, “I just - well, you haven’t ever said to me that you wanted to start going door to door again!”

“It would have been nice for you to ask,” Kevin says as tears slip down his cheeks, only he doesn’t really know what he’s crying about.

“Do you want to?” Connor asks, gently wiping the tears from his eyes, “because it’s a big deal-”

“I know it is, Connor!” Kevin exclaims, jumping up from the sofa, “but I want to do it!”

“Let’s just think about it a little bit longer, OK?” Connor asks softly, kissing Kevin on the cheek so tenderly that he almost doesn’t feel it.

Kevin nods, “Yeah. Sure,”

"I just don't want it to be too much too soon, Kev," Connor says. 

"I know. I get it, Con," Kevin says, tilting his chin towards him.

Connor smiles and closes the gap between the two of them, his hands immediatley moving to Kevin's hair. Kevin's eyes flutter shut as he puts his hands on Connor's waist, tugging him forward slightly. Just as Kevin starts to relax into Connor's grip, the door opens again. Kevin yelps slightly and shoves Connor away from him, almost falling back onto the sofa. 

"Ooooh, sorry, guys!" Arnold giggles, "Was I _interrupting_ something?"

"What do you want, Elder Cunningham?" Connor asks, his cheeks turning red. 

"I was just leaving, don't mind me!" he says in a sing-song voice, practically skipping to the front door. Before he leaves, he sticks his head back into the living room and grins at Kevin, "You need to brush your hair, buddy.” 

Kevin can still hear him laughing when he shuts the front door behind him. 

* * *

In hindsight, Kevin should probably have known that proylstesing again was a bad idea. He should have just listened to Connor’s very gentle and repeated suggestions that _maybe it’s not such a good idea, sweetheart._ _No one is rushing you into anything again._ But despite all that Kevin has lost, he hasn’t lost his determination to do whatever it is he puts his mind to and stands his ground until Connor finally gives in.

“You can come with me tomorrow. Make sure you have a clean uniform,”

“Alright, _mom_,”

The next morning, Kevin stands in front of his mirror, thinking that he rather looks like his old self. He carefully smooths his hair into place and straightens his tie. If it weren’t for the fact that he’s holding a mug of coffee, he might have looked like the perfect Mormon missionary he once was. 

“Are you ready, Elder Price?”

Kevin smiles at Connor through the mirror, “‘Elder’?”

“We’re working today, Kev. You know the rules,”

“You just called me Kev,”

Connor narrows his eyes at him, but Kevin can tell he’s not actually angry with him, “I’m still your district leader, don’t be snarky,”

“Sorry, _Elder_,”

“Come on,” Connor says, holding out his hand, “We’re late,”

“I’m pretty sure us holding hands is against the rules,” Kevin says, but he takes it anyway.

Their first stop is the huts at the edge of the village where no one has been baptised. Usually, a half an hour walk in the sun would put Kevin in a bad mood, but he can’t find himself to mind when he’s walking hand in hand with Connor. It’s probably dangerous; their relationship is technically illegal in Uganda, and any of the others Elders could see them like this, but Kevin isn’t prepared to let go of his boyfriend's hand. He feels safe, and that’s enough.

"Wait-" Kevin says, "Con, I - I can't," 

Connor turns to face Kevin, "What? What is it, love?"

"This is the way I came when - when I went to see the General," Kevin says. 

"Alright, alright, alright," Connor says gently, "We don't have to - we can just go home and try - why are you shaking your head?"

"I want to - I want to go," Kevin mutters, breathing deeply through his nose, "I can't put this off forever," 

"Kevin, if you don't want to-"

"No! I do!" Kevin exclaims, tugging on Connor's hand, "Come on, Connor, please!"

Kevin can tell that Connor wants argue back, but after a sudden surge of his old determination, he's not prepared to back down even if everything feels the same as it did on that day; the sun is still beating down on the back of his neck, he's clinging onto a holy book like it is his lifeline and a fly that won't go away is buzzing near his ear. He holds onto Connor's hands tighter and closes his eyes against the sun as he lists all the things that are different - a useful trick that Gotswanna had taught him. 

_We're not in the Church anymore, I'm not holding a Book of Mormon, I'm holding Connor's hand, Connor is my boyfriend...I'm not going to the General's camp...I'm not Mormon anymore, I'm not alone this time, I'm OK. Everything is going to be OK. _

“I’ll do the talking,” Connor says as they approach their first hut.

Kevin is barely listening. He just nods and stands behind Connor. 

“What? What is it?” asks the man who opens the door, “who the fuck are you?”

“Hello! My name is Elder McKinley and this is Elder Price, we’re from the Church of Arnold!”

“The what?”

“The Church of Arnold,” Connor repeats, waving the book around slightly, “We’re a relatively new Church who believe in a strong familial bond and tolerance, amongst many other things. If you don’t feel like you experience any of those-“

“What? Are you suggesting that my family isn’t close?” he asks, taking a step towards Connor.

“Uh - n-no, sir,” Connor says, taking a step back, “I was just saying that the Church can offer a different kind of family and-“

“Is my family not good enough?” he asks, standing so close to Connor that their noses are almost touching.

Fear sweeps over Kevin as he takes in the sight before him; Connor cowering slightly and holding the Book of Arnold so tightly that his knuckles turned white. And it’s almost a mirror image of the seconds before the worst moment of Kevin’s life, and he can’t let that happen to Connor. His mind goes blank and he lurches forward and wraps his arms around Connor’s waist, yanking him backwards with so much force that they fall to the ground in a heap.

“Kevin!” Connor exclaims, “what on Earth are you doing?”

He is practically lay on top of Connor, gripping onto the front of his shirt and sobbing into his neck.

“I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want you to get hurt. I’m not gonna let him hurt you, he’s not gonna touch you,” Kevin wails, “he’s not gonna hurt you! He’s not gonna hurt you!”

“Kevin, sweetie, you need to - you need to get off me. He’s still there and this is - this illegal. Come on, Kev, _please_,”

Somehow, Kevin finds the strength to pull himself off Connor, though he can’t get to his feet. He stays sat on the ground, feeling as though someone has hit him over the head with a large bat.

“What the fuck was that?” the man demands angrily.

“I’m sorry, sir,” Connor says quickly, “He...He had a run in with the General a few months back,”

The mans expressions changes into one of sympathy, leaving Kevin feeling even more confused.

“I am sorry to hear that,” the man says, and he seems genuine, “I lost my brother at the hands of the General three years ago. I miss him every day,”

“Our condolences, sir,” Connor says, “that must be hard,”

“It is,” he replies, “So you see why I don’t care for your book or your religion. I don’t think it will help me or my family,”

“It helps me,” Kevin interjects, standing up on shaky legs, “the -the Book, I mean,”

The man raises his eyebrows, “Will it bring my brother back?”

“Of course it won’t,” Kevin says. He digs his fingernails into his palms and squeezes his eyes shut, trying his best to just breathe through it, “The Book it can’t - it can’t _change_ the past. It can’t stop your brother from being killed and it can’t stop the General from - from...” he trails off as his voice wavers, “it can’t stop me from ever meeting the General but it can...it can restore your faith that the world isn’t all bad,”

“That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,”

“Is it?” Kevin asks, opening his eyes and forcing himself to look at the man, “Or is it hopeful? Is it hopeful in the belief that things can’t get worse, they can only get better because they _have_ to get better. If you don’t believe that, what’s the point in living? If I don’t believe that I can survive this, what’s the point in carrying on? That Book it can - it can show you that we can survive this if we - if we believe,”

“Believe in what? God? Because I don’t think he’s listening,”

“If we believe in each other,”

The man narrows his eyes at Kevin and then nods, “Give me the damn book,”

When the door slams shut behind him, Kevin’s knees buckle and he falls into Connor as the ground spins beneath him.

“That was amazing, honey,” Connor says gently, “You’re amazing,”

Kevin shakes his head, “I don’t - I can’t - no - no more...”

“Take your time,” Connor says, rubbing circles into his back, “What are you trying to say?”

“I don’t want to proylsetise anymore,” Kevin whispers, “I can’t do it. I can’t - I can’t face it,”

“That’s alright, love. Whatever you need. Let’s just go home, yeah?”

They walk home in silence. Kevin, shamefaced, can’t bring himself to look up from the ground. Elder Grant’s words chase themselves around his mind and it is as though they are mocking him.

_You’re like the smartest, most deserving Elder the centers ever seen._  
_ You’re like the smartest, most deserving Elder the centers ever seen._  
_ You’re like the smartest, most deserving Elder the centers ever seen._

Elder Grant probably wouldn’t recognise him anymore.

He barely recognises himself.

* * *

As the one year anniversary of the _incident_ draws nearer and nearer, Kevin feels himself retreating back into his shell again.

He feels that ‘anniversary’ is the wrong word to use. When he thinks of anniversaries, he thinks of weddings and birthdays and happy days and not of the worst day of his life. But there’s no other word for it. He’d much rather just ignore the day and act like it never happened, but that’ll never happen. The day will never be the same again.

“Hey, buddy,” Arnold says, popping his head around the door, “Gotswana is here,”

Kevin frowns. He didn’t even realise that he’d had an appointment with him.

“He said he just wanted to see you. To make sure you’re OK,” Arnold tells him, clearly noticing his confusion, “Do you want me to send him away?”

Kevin shakes his head.

“He’s in Connor’s office,”

“Ok, yeah. I’ll just - uh - give me - give me a minute,”

“Take your time bud. He said he isn’t in a rush,”

It takes Kevin almost an hour to leave his bedroom. He stands with his hand outstretched to the door as a voice in the back of his head tells him that the General is probably out there somewhere. How does he know that the General isn’t on the other side of the door? Or waiting for him in Connor’s office?

_No_, Kevin tells himself, _he won’t be in Connor’s office. Connor wouldn’t let that happen_.

This is the thought that gets him out of the room and down to Connor’s office - and, of course, the General isn’t there but neithers Connor.

“Take a seat, Kevin. How are you?”

Kevin stares at Gotswana, unable to string a coherent sentence together. He doesn’t really know how he is.

“Here, take your notepad. It’ll be easier,” Gotswana says, passing it to him, “Don’t push yourself,”

_I don’t know._

“You don’t know how you are?”

Kevin shakes his head.

Gotswana nods his head thoughtfully, “That’s OK. How are you and Elder McKinley?”

Kevin jerks back, furrowing his brows together. Gotswana laughs and waves his hand airily.

“It’s OK. He told me. I don’t mind. You two, together, it’s nice. Isn’t it?”

The corners of Kevin’s mouth twitch - the closest he can get to a smile - and he nods.

_Yeah._ He writes. _Nice. He makes me happy._

“Good. You deserve to be happy, Kevin. The futures looking bright, no?”

Kevin shrugs.

_I don’t know. My family hasn't contacted me in almost a year. I don’t know what I have in America._

“You’re young. You have your entire life ahead of you. You have a chance at a happy life,” Gotswana tells him, “Tell me, what do you want to do with your life?”

Kevin feels his face heat up and Gotswana raises his eyebrows at him.

“What? What is it?”

_I’ve always wanted to help people, it’s why I came on my mission in the first place. And I’ve been thinking about being a Nurse one day._

Gotswana beams at him, “I think you’ll be an incredible nurse one day, Kevin. And when things...when things get a little easier for you, I’m more than happy for you to volunteer at the hospital with me,”

_I can’t. The hospital reminds me too much of that day._

“Then come with me on hut calls. Would you like that?”

Kevin nods and Gotswana beams again, “I’ll talk to Elder McKinley about it,”

* * *

Kevin grunts slightly as he swings the baseball bat. The familiar _plonk _as the ball makes contact with the bat sends him running around the bases. He skids along the ground to the home plate and almost breaks his ankle in the process but it's all worth it when he hears the Elders errupt in cheers around him. Grinning, he pulls himself off the floor but cries out in pain when he puts his foot down. 

"Shit!" he yells, "Ouch, fuck, ah, fuck me," 

Connor is beside him in an instant, his arm around his waist. 

"Oh, gosh, Kev," Connor sighs, "You're so clumsy at time. Come on, lean on me," 

"I'm fine, Connor," Kevin grumbles, though he grunts in pain every time he puts his foot down, "It's only a sprain, I'll survive"

"Spending a lot of time with Gotswanna doesn't make you a doctor, Kevin," Connor says, leading him over to a bench, "Sit down and don't move," 

Kevin rolls his eyes at the back of Connor's head as he hurries away to find Gotswanna, but even he can't deny the pain. 

"What trouble have you gotten yourself into this time, Elder Price?" Gotswanna asks with a sigh, dropping his first aid kid next to Kevin's foot. 

"It's nothing!" Kevin exclaims, "I told you, it's only a sprain. I'll be fine," 

Gotswanna crouches down in front of him and looks closely at his ankle, "Hmm...it could be broken. I'd like to X-Ray it just to-"

"NO!" Kevin yells, so loudly that Connor jumps, "No, no, no. It's not - no - I'm not - it's fine, I'm fine,"

"Kevin, please, you need to-"

"I said no, doctor!" Kevin snaps, "I'm not having an X-ray and I'm _not _going to the hospital!"

"What's going on, buddy?" Arnold asks, appearing at Connor's shoulder, "Why are you shouting?"

"Kevin needs an X-Ray," Connor says quietly. 

A look of understading comes over Arnold's face and he sighs, taking a seat besides Kevin, "If the doctor says-"

"No!" Kevin snaps agains, tears springing to his eyes, "I'm not - I can't - please don't make me. I can't go back there. Not - Not so soon," 

"OK, OK," Gotswanna says soothingly, "I'll bandage it up now and we'll take it from there. If the pain worsens and it's no better in two weeks, you come and see me immediatley, OK?" 

"Yes," Kevin mumbles, "but I think I'll be fine," 

"Keep an eye on him, Elder McKinley,"

"I always do," 

* * *

Kevin stands in the bathroom and stares at himself blankly in the mirror. He doesn’t look like himself. Since he’s started leaving the hut more with Gotswanna, he doesn’t look as bad as he once did - his skin is no longer dry and his lips aren’t nearly as chapped as they used to be - but the word_ handsome_ doesn’t really spring to mind as he stares at himself. He thinks back to how the old ladies at church would always pinch his cheek and tell him how good looking he was, or how his aunties would joke that he’d never have any problem finding a girlfriend. That isn’t the Kevin Price he’s looking at.

No, the Kevin Price he’s looking at is still too pale despite the Ugandan sun. The Kevin Price he’s looking at has a haunted look in his eyes and dark circles too harsh for someone his age. His hair is too long, curling at the nape of his neck. Connor keeps on offering to cut it for him (Church usually cuts the Elders hair for them) but Kevin keeps on declining, though he isn’t entirely sure why.

Sighing, Kevin loosens his tie and limps out of the bathroom. For a moment, he just stands in the hall and stares ahead of him. He’s realised that he doesn’t actually know what he’s going to do with himself today; part of him wants to be on his own, but the other side of him is terrified of what might happen if he is on his own.

It's been a year, and nothing feels real. 

“Kevin?”

Connor is stood at the top of the stairs. Kevin stares at him as though he has never seen him before in his life.

“Kevin, honey, are you alright? You shouldn't be walking so much on your ankle,” 

“I - I’m - I...um, I...I-”

“Do you want your notepad?”

“I want - I want - I just...I want, I don’t know,” Kevin whispers, “I don’t know what I want. Why don’t I know what I want, Connor?”

“I don’t know, Kev,” Connor admits, “I’m sorry,”

“Can you - can we....can you just stay with me today? I need you - no, I’m sorry it - it doesn’t matter. You’re busy, you have better things to-”

“It’s OK,” Connor says in a hushed voice, “Poptarts is filling in for me today, I can stay,”

Kevin nods as he feels a wave of relief wash over him.

“You look tired, sweetheart. Did you sleep last night?”

“I can’t,” Kevin whispers, “Everytime I close my eyes, I’m - I’m back there with him and I can’t get away. Why can’t I get away from him?”

“Would it - would it maybe be better if I was with you?” Connor asks, his cheeks turning redder with each word.

Kevin nods, feeling his own cheeks turn red, "If you - if you don't mind,"

It’s awkward, at first. It’s not as though they’ve never cuddled before, but it’s usually at an ungodly hour of the night and in the living room when everyone else is sleeping and _not_ in bed.

The size of the bed means that they have to practically lie on top of each other so that neither of them crashes to the floor. Kevin squeezes his eyes shut as Connor shifts slightly, putting one of his legs over Kevin’s. His brain is already racing ahead of him, reminding him of everything he doesn't want to think about, but there's a rational part of his brain that is unusually loud.

_It’s only Connor. It’s only Connor. It’s only Connor. It’s only Connor. It’s only Connor. It’s only Connor. It’s only Connor. It’s only Connor. It’s only Connor._

“If you move now, I think I’m going to fall,” Connor says, putting his arm around Kevin’s waist, “Is this OK?”

“Fine,” Kevin mumbles, his eyes still squeezed shut, “Just -” he pauses when he rests his head against Connor’s shoulder. He smells like a bakery. “Have you been baking?”

“Uh - well...I - yeah,”

Kevin frowns and opens his eyes, “Why are you being weird about baking?”

Connor sighs, “Don’t tell Arnold I told you but he’s baked you a cake at Nabulungi’s and he asked me to help,”

“Why?”

“Why did he ask me to help? I know you love him and you won’t say a bad thing about him but he really is quite bad at baking, the entire hut almost burned-”

“No. Why is he baking me a cake?”

“Because apparently there’s nothing that a nice cake can’t fix,”

Kevin giggles quietly as his eyes start to flutter shut, his lack of sleep finally catching up on him, “Can you bake more please? You smell nice,”

_His face is squashed against the rough wall, and there’s something digging into his cheek. He tries to move away, but then there’s a hand on the back of his head, keeping him firmly in place. He fights against the hand, but it’s too strong. Then someone presses up against his back and-_

“NO!”

His eyes shoot open and there’s arms wrapped around his waist, and he can feel a body pressed against his back. He grabs the arms and rips them off him, launching off the bed and to the other side of the room. He crashes into the wall and crumples to the floor in a heap. Pain shoots through his ankle again and he cries out, gripping onto his leg. 

“Kevin! Kevin!”

“Get away from me! Get away from me!” Kevin yells, “Get away!”

“It’s only me, Kev,” and then a hand wraps around his wrist. He cries out again and he frees himself from the General’s grip. His eyes fly open but they aren’t met with the General, but with Connor. 

“It’s - It’s only me,” Connor whispers, “I didn’t - I didn’t mean to startle you, I’m sorry,”

“I - Connor, I didn’t-” Kevin stutters, “I - sorry, I can’t - please leave me alone,”

“Kevin-”

“Leave me alone!” Kevin yells, “I don’t want you here! Go away!”

“I’m sorry, Kevin,” Connor whispers, “I’ll see you later,”

When the door shuts behind Connor, Kevin crawls back into bed. Only his pillows smell of Connor, so he climbs into Arnold’s bed instead. He pulls the covers over his head and sobs into the mattress, not even caring that the whole hut can probably hear him.

He’s never felt so awful in his life, and he wants it to stop. He needs it to stop. He doesn’t want to feel anything anymore. He doesn’t want to feel anything for Arnold, for Nabulungi, for the General, for Connor, for _anything_.

Arnold comes in at one point, tentatively asking _are you OK, bud? Do you need me?_ But Kevin’s snarled _fuck off_ seems to get his feelings across.

* * *

It’s suddenly like the last year never happened. Kevin is back to square one, and he can’t bring himself to try and fight through it. He doesn’t leave his room, hasn’t showered in a week and barely eats. He’s somewhat aware of the fact that Arnold hasn’t slept in their room for a week, but can’t bring himself to care. He can’t bring himself to care about anything.

Sometimes he hears people having whispered conversations on the other side of his door. And he knows it’s Connor, but he won’t let himself think about Connor. Every time he does, thick, white hot tears stream down his face. He was ridiculous to think that he was good enough for Connor. Connor, who had somehow managed to get them funding to finish their mission and who looks after nine 19-21 year olds who collectively have the mental age of a relatively smart 5 year old.

Furious at himself for being so stupid, Kevin throws the covers off of himself and looks over at the clock. 2 AM. No point in trying to sleep now.

“Come on, Price,” he mutters to himself, “fresh air will you do you good. Probably,”

By the time Kevin has plucked up the courage to actually leave his bedroom, - because what if the General is out there? - make himself coffee and find something to eat, it’s almost half 3.

“Connor?” Kevin yelps when he opens the door of the mission hut and sees him sat on the steps.

Connor turns around with a frown and Kevin cringes slightly at his appearance; his hair is a mess and his shirt is stained with what Kevin can only assume is coffee. There’s deep bags underneath his eyes and his eyes are bloodshot, but none of this stops Kevin from thinking he’s the most attractive person in the world: his skin still glows in the moonlight and his eyes are reflecting the stars.

“I told you we’re not allowed to become dependant on coffee,” Connor says, nodding at the mug in Kevin’s hand, “It’s unhealthy,”

“You’re drinking coffee,” Kevin points out.

“I’m trying to keep this district up and running,” Connor mumbles, “Besides, there’s no point in trying to sleep now, is there?”

“That’s unhealthy,”

Connor shrugs but doesn’t say anything, turning his back on Kevin. Kevin sighs and moves to stand next to him. When he doesn’t tell him to go away, Kevin slowly sits down next to him and takes a sip of coffee. His eyes flicker up to the moon, and he feels a sense of calm wash over him.

“Are you wearing bug spray?” Kevin asks.

“Are you for real, Kevin?” Connor asks, “you don’t speak to me for a _week_ and now you’re being the world's most concerned boyfriend? Gosh, I’ve been sitting out here every night this week waiting for you. I thought you were - I thought you were never going to speak to me again!”

“I know. I’m - I get it. I’m sorry for everything. I don’t know why I - I should never have kissed you that time, I’m sorry. You deserve better than me. You deserve someone who -someone who isn’t me. I’m sorry, Connor. I really am,”

Connor frowns up at him, “What on Earth are you talking about?”

“You deserve better than me,” Kevin repeats, “I’m just gonna - I think maybe you should send me home. I don’t bring anything to the mission and-”

“I’m not breaking up with you, Kevin,” Connor says hastily.

“Oh,”

“And I’m not sending you home. Unless you want to go home, of course. Do you?”

Kevin shakes his head, “No! I want to stay here,”

Connor raises his eyebrows, “So why did you say that-”

“I don’t know!” Kevin groans, putting his head in his hands, “I’m sorry. I don’t ever - I don’t ever want you to think that I don’t want you around because I do, I just - I panicked. I had a nightmare about the General and I woke up and someone was holding me and I - I’m sorry,”

“It’s OK, Kevin, honestly,”

“It isn’t!” Kevin exclaims, “It isn’t OK! Because I shouldn’t treat you like that! I love you and - oh, no,” he breaks off in a groan when he realises what he’s said and turns away from Connor, staring up at the moon as a blush creeps up his skin, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have - I don’t know why I said that,”

“Did you maybe say it because you love me?” Connor asks quietly.

“I - yeah,” Kevin says, keeping his eyes firmly locked on the moon, “Yeah.”

“That’s good, because I love you, too,”

“Oh,” Kevin says, “Oh. Right. Good,”

Connor laughs and puts his hand over Kevin’s, squeezing it slightly, “I love you, I really do and I just - I just want you to be OK and sometimes...well, it's hard sometimes, you know? Arnold has been in a state all week, he's barely left my office,"

"I'm sorry," Kevin whispers, "I don't - I don't mean to be like this,"

"Oh, god, honey, I'm not - I'm not _blaming_ you! We all knew that this week was going to be hard, we just didn't realise exactly how hard it would be,"

Kevin sniffs and nods, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, "I'm sorry,"

"Stop apologising,"

"I should apologise to Arnold though, shouldn't I?"

"Not right now," Connor says, "he'll be fast asleep at Nabulungi's," 

Kevin shuffles closer to Connor and rests his head on his shoulder. Connor presses a kiss to the top of his head and puts his arm around his shoulders. 

"Hows your ankle?" 

"Hurting," Kevin admits, "I think I - I think I need an X-Ray," 

"I'll come with you," Connor says, "It'll be fine, I promise,"

"Yeah, I know," 

The moon has never looked so pretty. 

* * *

It is 3 in the morning when Kevin and Arnold finally arrive back in the states after the best worst two years of Kevin’s life. As they walk out of the terminal, their suitcases trailing behind them, Kevin realises that he feels the same as he did when he had first arrived in Uganda: scared, tired and desperate to go home. Only home is 30 hours away, and he isn’t sure that he’ll ever go back.

“Oh, no. They don’t look happy, do they?” Kevin says quietly, nodding over to where his parents are stood a considerable distance away from the Cunninghams.

“If you need to come live with us, it’s OK,” Arnold tells him, “I asked my parents if you could move in whilst we figured out what we’re doing, and they said that you can stay for as long as you need,”

“Thanks, Arn,”

“Ready?” Arnold asks.

“Not at all,” Kevin admits, “but I’m - I’m going to be alright,”

Arnold grins and envelopes him in a hug that very nearly knocks him to the ground, “I love you, bud,”

“I love you too, pal,”

The car journey home is completed in an awkward silence, but Kevin doesn’t mind. He keeps his eyes focused on the moon - it's the same moon he saw in Uganda, the same moon he kissed Connor under for the first time, the same mood he fell in love under.

It was same moon that he had learned to survive under. And it was still there, shining as bright as it ever did.

Kevin smiled up at it. Everything was going to be alright. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank-you for reading!!!  
Comments/kudos appreciated as always <3


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